The Bizarro Car Commission
In a bizarro turn of events, my car tried to run away Saturday night. I popped out the door of my apartment building to find my car not parked where I left it, but on the sidewalk between a utility pole and a tree, facing the opposite direction.
To fully understand the circumstances that led up to its failed attempts to leave me, I have formed a commission to investigate the event. Official commission documents and their findings follow:
Leia Scofield, by Executive Order No. 11130 dated February 10, 2004, created this Commission to investigate the attempted departure on February 7, 2004, of 1991 Ford Probe hatchback, the sole transportation vehicle of the Large Head. The Large Head directed the Commission to evaluate all the facts and circumstances surrounding the departure and to report its findings and conclusions to her.
The subject of the Commission’s inquiry was a chain of events which shocked and awed the people of the apartment building and of the world.
In this report the Commission submits the results of its investigation. Each member of the Commission has given careful consideration to the entire report and concurs in its findings and conclusions.
Evidence
The Commission analyzed the evidence and set forth its conclusions concerning the source, effect, number and timing of the actions that transpired in the attempted runaway of 1991 Ford Probe. In that connection the Commission has evaluated (1) the examination by qualified experts of the scene; (2) the timeline of events; (3) the damage to the 1991 Ford Probe; (4) the testimony of neighbors.
(1) The Scene
Experts found the parking brake of the 1991 Ford Probe, a vehicle with manual transmission, disengaged.
(2) Event Timeline
Exhibit A: Last use of car. Parked in spot #2 of carport. Approximately 6:00pm.
Exhibit B: First sighting of car by Leia Scofield. Parked between utility pole and tree on sidewalk, facing opposite direction was parked. Approximately 8:45pm.
(3) Damage to 1991 Ford Probe
The only damage found by the expert investigation was some slight scratches to the driver’s side front corner, ostensibly from rubbing against the support beam of the carport.
(4) Neighbor Testimony
Neighbor Steve came downstairs after being contacted by Ms. Scofield (said Ms. Scofield to Steve, “What is my car doing there?!”). Neighbor states has had his vehicle roll back before. Neighbor also spoke to other neighbor during time between Exhibits A and B (above). Conversation summarized: “What is Leia doing parking there?!”
Conclusion
This Commission was created to ascertain the facts relating to the preceding summary of events and to consider the important questions which they raised. The Commission has addressed itself to this task and has reached certain conclusions based on all the available evidence. These conclusions represent the reasoned judgment of all members of the Commission and are presented after an investigation which has satisfied the Commission that it: has ascertained the truth concerning the attempted runaway of 1991 Ford Probe to the extent that a prolonged and thorough search makes this possible.
It is the finding of the Commission that the failure of Ms. Scofield to engage the parking brake, in addition to the wheels being turned from making a large curve to enter the parking spot, plus the slight incline of the parking area contributed to the attempted departure of 1991 Ford Probe.
Despite the thoroughness of the Commission’s report, I’m sure conspiracy theories will abound. What’s your theory?
The car was clearly intimidated into changing it’s position due to the unfair and unfounded reporting of the BBC. In truth, there never was a car.
oh Leia, your car was just playing hide and seek. It was going to jump out at you any minute and yell ‘boo!’
It’s the liberal media’s fault!
No wait, space aliens!
No, wait, it’s high gravity in your carport!
Sunspots?
Clearly it was the fault of the guy on the grassy knoll who organized the whole thing, setting up the car as a patsy. Isn’t Dallas famous for that sort of thing ?.
I also suspect that Kevin Costner will be around shortly to disprove the whole thing…
I am sticking to Carla’s theory, after all you can clearly see the rainbow that is formed and how your car was drawn to the “bush”.
You said “probe” heh heh
Ha! I did the exact same thing in a grocery store parking lot one time.